


Soul Meets Body

by Panda (Pabu)



Series: If Only Tonight We Could Sleep-Verse [2]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: If Only Tonight We Could Sleep-verse, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-29
Updated: 2016-03-29
Packaged: 2018-05-29 22:30:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6396541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pabu/pseuds/Panda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the events of If Only Tonight We Could Sleep, Sora is off at Hallow Bastion university. With Roxas ignoring his calls, Sora has to learn what it means to put the past behind you. Is it possible to do so without completely abandoning someone? Well, maybe Sora won't have to, when he meets a college student who looks identical to his twin, Roxas.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Soul Meets Body

**Author's Note:**

> Finally I'm posting the follow up stories I wrote to If Only Tonight We Could Sleep. This story is set directly after IOT and I may or may not continue it one day.

_Connecting to Roxas... I waited. And waited. And waited._

_Call, no answer._

For the third time today, my efforts to reach Roxas had gone ignored, and there was nothing left to do but close my laptop and call it a night.

I collapsed onto my bed, and never felt more alone. The comforter may have been familiar, but my surroundings weren't. White walls that met white walls. It was all so surreal. So bizarre. My comforter was from home, warm and red and comforting. But the room itself? I sighed and buried my face into my pillow, inhaled deeply to try and remind myself of home.

This sucked.

Roxas hadn't answered my calls, my texts, my Skype calls. No matter which way I looked at it, I could see that Roxas was ignoring me. I had no clue why, but Roxas became so unpredictable towards the end anyway. I would have thought that entering a relationship would have made us close enough I could almost read Roxas' mind. I mean, he was my twin after all. But it seemed instead, it made him more distant, colder sometimes.

I didn't know what growing up was. I realized that the first day I moved into my dorm room at Hallow Bastion. But it seemed I would have to learn. Growing up. What did that even mean? Did it mean letting go of childish toys and ideals like the old saying that the world holds endless opportunities for us to seize? Did it mean becoming more grounded? Realizing that without work there was no play, and that home was that sandbox? A sandbox so old and decrepit we could blow the sand from our hands and it would just disappear like ash?

Was Roxas my sandbox?

I buried my face into my pillow, smothered myself as I let out an obnoxious sigh. Hollow Bastion, for its size and population, sure was a lonely place. Especially since my previous roommate had gone home early. He'd been too homesick. Maybe figured out before it was too late that this wasn't the place he wanted to be.

Or maybe he had enough of my puppy-love sighs and had decided to switch rooms.

Oh well, more space for me I guess. No one to judge me as I thought about home and high school, which left me with the feeling of a huge, sickening hangover. A Roxas-hangover. I wondered if he felt the same. I wondered if he was doing the same thing I was every night as I stared up at the unfamiliar ceiling.

But I figured he was too busy eating lemon bars at Grammy's house, and hanging out with Tidus and Rikku. They were his bits of home that I craved so badly.

These were how my nights generally went. I thought about sea salt ice cream and strobe lights. About kissing my brother against doors and while wrapped between familiar sheets. I thought about pounding music and pianos. About trains that refused to stop even when you begged and cried and whistled for its return. And usually I fell asleep like that. Fell asleep slowly and painfully aware that in a place as vibrant and big as Hallow Bastion the moments by yourself were overwhelmingly real.

.oOo.

"Favorite class has got to be my Human Sexuality class," Riku said as he nudged me with his elbow. I rolled my eyes, and couldn't help but giggle as his elbow found a sweet spot in my ribs. Ticklish. Moments against the living room floor faded in and out, when Roxas and I moved with baited breath to see who'd break first.

"My piano class is so full of amateurs," Zexion said as he prodded at the sushi plate in front of him with fancy chopsticks.

"Aren't you taking a Beginner's course?" I asked; glad to be shaken out of my thoughts. Even if Riku and Zexion were friends from home, they still managed to make me forget about the sadness.

"Intermediate," Zexion quipped.

"Geez, sorry," I said as I laughed and held my hands up in surrender. I wondered why Zexion didn't just join an advanced piano course. He was a great musician. No wonder he and Demyx got along so well. I couldn't help missing Demyx too. The energy he brought was always captivating, and I guessed without having Roxas here, I was a bit drained of my usual energy. It's hard to be so energetic when you're not happy.

"I'm enjoying...math?" I added, lamely, and Riku answered with a quick 'you would.' I guess I was a little distracted in my classes, but everything was still registering in my brain. I tried to ignore it by doing my homework as soon as I got back from class, but even then, lecture was so droning my mind couldn't help but wander off.

"So how's Demyx?" I asked as I spooned a piece of broccoli tangled with soy-sauce soaked noodles into my mouth.

"Busy working on the band. We've got a couple gigs at some places back at home."

"That far?"

"Yeah well, Demyx is trying to get us a gig here, but that's not going too well at the moment." I could see a fragment of a smile when he talked about Demyx. Roxas and I had always figured they would end up like us one night. Maybe it would be a late band practice, and Zexion and Demyx were extra sweaty. And Demyx would be going on and on about how talented they were and how they were a 'dynamic duo, who needs Larxene?' and then, Zexion would finally kiss him like he had wanted to do for such a long time and when they pulled away it'd be them staring, wondering, 'did that really just happen?' and Zexion would cut the silence with a, "You talk too much."

And the rest would be history.

Or at least, that's me and Roxas' weird fan fiction version of it. We didn't know how it happened, or even if, but it would entertain us. And maybe, as Zexion sat there with glazed over eyes like mine, that was the reason for his little smile. Maybe he was thinking back on it. I couldn't be the only one who missed home, right?

"Well good luck," I said, twirling my fork around more noodles. Talking about Demyx, thinking about Roxas, it was starting to make me feel nostalgic. Now that was a weird emotion. It makes you smile, even though it hurts, and the two conflict emotions battle and create a weird tangled train of thoughts that were hard to escape. "I miss high school," I admitted as I dropped my fork and buried my face into my hands.

"Aww, poor Sora," Riku said and rubbed my back soothingly. I missed high school, but I had to admit that having Zexion and Riku around made the transition so much easier. And at the same time, so much harder. "Don't worry, so do I."

"Growing up sucks," I said, lifting my head, sulking, and Riku smiled down at me with that fondness he always had for me.

"Well, maybe it'll be good for you," he said with a shrug of his shoulders and that stern look on his face like he had already accepted growing up. "Stuff changes. It's best we just...try and deal with it." I was sure he didn't mean Roxas, but I couldn't help but feel he meant I should move on from Roxas in general. Did he think it was childish?

"You miss Roxas." Zexion didn't say it like it was a question. He knew. I'm sure Riku did too, what with the way I sulked around school and constantly checked my phone. But it was obvious I'd miss Roxas. My twin brother who I spent every day with. It would have been crazy not to miss him. It would have been unhealthy denial.

"So much," I said with a sad smile. "He's hard to get a hold of."

"Well, maybe's he's just trying to get you to do your own thing," Riku suggested with a shrug then turned back to his lunch. "There's a fun freshman event later this afternoon. I was going to go; do you want to come too?"

To be honest, I didn't want to. I wanted to retreat back to my dorm room and try to Skype with Roxas again, or to get some homework done. But Riku was right. Roxas was moving on, and I had to do the same. He was the one who chose to end our relationship. Either way, I would have left for Hallow Bastion, but I had imagined that long-distance might not be too hard for us. He hadn't felt the same.

So with an apprehensive sigh, I shrugged and said, "Sure."

.oOo.

_Wanna skype?_

I jumped when I saw the text and immediately started up my laptop and opened Skype. It wasn't very often that Roxas texted me first, especially about Skyping, and so of course I jumped at the chance. I was pleasantly surprised when I saw the green icon next to his name, signaling that he was online, and quickly I video-called him. As I waited for it to connect, my heart was going crazy in my chest.

There he was. I couldn't help the smile that spread from ear to ear when I saw him. Geez, how long had it been since I'd actually seen his face?

I waved, and let out the breath that had been anxiously welled up inside me.

"Hey," I said, trying to hide my ecstatic smile, but who was I kidding? I was ecstatic. He smiled back, and seeing his face there in HD was a welcoming sight.

"Hi," he waved back, and I was glad to see him smile back.

I didn't know what to say, and bit my lip, looked at the room behind him. It was Grammy's guest bedroom, familiar, and I saw that Roxas had made it like home. Hung up posters and decorated it with that Roxas-charm. Unfortunately, my background was as foreign to him as it was to me. White walls, small room, unfamiliar bed.

"How've you been?" I asked when it grew quiet. I wanted to know everything, and at the same time I was scared. He shrugged that cute little gesture he did where he shrugged and leaned his head to the side. Missing him hadn't been as hard as it was now. Now that I actually saw him…

"Boring, I guess. What about you? How's college life? I bet it's exciting."

"I guess. It's kind of weird though. I miss high school already." He laughed, and for a moment we just looked at each other through the screen and I couldn't help but feel that same nostalgia I had been since I moved out here.

It was warmth in my chest, followed by a cold chill in my bones. Everything was changing. No, it had changed. And I just wanted to be there beside Roxas; not miles away talking to him through a tiny square screen. I knew still, that this chance to see him there, handsome, smiling…happy…was enough for now. It would have to be.

"That's cool. You'll love it eventually. And you won't even be thinking about me."

I laughed and shook my head. Yeah right. That wouldn't happen.

I didn't want to tell him that he was all I could think about, so instead I settled for, "I doubt that," and again watched as a smile spread on his lips.

I couldn't help it. I wanted to tell him everything I had been thinking. Even when I knew I shouldn't. "God, I miss you, Roxas." I leaned my palm against my chin.

He looked down, smiling shyly, then back up at me. "I miss you too, Sora."

"Why don't you ever text me back?" I asked and my smile suddenly fell.

"Sorry, I don't mean it." That wasn't really an answer, but I let it go for now. I didn't want to ruin this rare opportunity I had where Roxas actually did answer. "You should be enjoying yourself, anyway," he told me, a serious look on his face. So Riku was right. Roxas was trying to give me space. Space he thought we needed, that I didn't even want.

"I am. I went to a freshman gathering with Zexion and Riku." I said Riku's name quietly, and I tried to search Roxas' face for any sign that me hanging out with Riku annoyed him, and I think I could see it in the way he looked away for a second.

"Oh yeah? How was that?" He still looked away, pretending to be distracted by something.

"It was alright," I said. There was a bit of an awkward silence, and I couldn't help what I said next. I felt the words bursting out of me like a scream, "I don't get why we can't just..." I stopped, almost hesitated, but I just couldn't leave it alone.

I wanted to be with Roxas so badly, and it hurt that he hadn't wanted the same. He said he had left for me, for us, so that we could see if space was what we needed for a healthy relationship. But did he still feel the same? "Why can' we just have a long distance relationship?" I blurted out.

Curse this HD. I could see the way Roxas' face dropped and his brows knitted and he looked at me like he almost felt sorry for me or something. "Oh Sora..." he said and I regretted saying anything at all. But I couldn't

"We've had space. A whole month. And I miss you. And you miss me."

"Well of course."

"Let's just get back together. We can handle the long distance. You just have to answer my texts more, and we can Skype at nights and call each other. And soon the semester will be over and-"

"Sora...I left for a reason. We need longer than one month to figure out if our feelings were...real."

"They were...were they not to you?" I asked, suddenly feeling a thickness in my throat and my heart drop to my stomach. There was always something so bittersweet about talking to Roxas, especially when he got all…thinky on me like he was known to. That head of his must have been a dark space.

"Of course. At least, I think they were. I don't know, you know? I'll know once you have your time to grow and I have my time to grow, and if I still think about you constantly and I feel this way still some day…then I'll know it was meant to be." Well at least he had admitted he still thought about me. "But it's too soon. You know that."

"I guess..." My shoulders dropped, and suddenly I almost wished I hadn't decided to call Roxas. Almost.

"I'm sorry, Sora." I heard his voice and looked up, and saw the way he wouldn't even look at the screen.

"Okay."

"Well, it was nice seeing you. I'll text you later okay?" He looked at me, a sorry expression, but his words were cold, and I nodded, refused to look at the screen, until I heard the whoosh of the Skype call being ended. And I tried to forget about it with math formulas, but the only thing I wanted to figure out was how Roxas could act like this was all so easy.

I don't think anything could have prepared me for what I saw when I walked into my dorm room that weird Monday afternoon. First, it was the unpacked boxes stacked on top of each other in the corner. Then it was the guy standing there, his back facing towards me.

I couldn't help it. I gasped. "Roxas?" That familiar sight of blond spiky hair, same height…was it really him? Had Roxas come down to surprise me, or was he actually moving in? I couldn't believe it. For those seconds I suddenly felt so stupid for letting myself get so worked up over Roxas' distance, but when "Roxas" turned around and smiled at me I realized with so much defeat that it wasn't Roxas at all.

"Huh?" He said, scratching his cheek, smiling in a confused way.

He looked exactly like Roxas it was scary. Same blue eyes, same crop of golden hair. But I could see it in his face that it wasn't Roxas.

"Uh hey," he said with a wave of his hand, brow quirked, and I snapped out of my dazed and confused stare. "I'm Ventus, but everyone calls me Ven. Looks like we're roommates now." He smiled, and that smile…I could practically see Roxas there smiling at me. But the resemblance ended there. Roxas would look at me and it was clear the history between us. But Ven was a stranger, looking at me with a stranger's gaze. "Something wrong?" He asked after a moment of silence.

"Sorry. You just look like someone. Uh, I'm Sora." I held my hand out, and I dropped my hand almost as soon as he touched it. That could barely qualify as a handshake, but I was still a little freaked out.

"Who?" He asked.

"Uhm, my twin brother. Fraternal. You look exactly like him it's kind of freaky." I scratched the back of my head and laughed a little, but the situation wasn't funny to me. Well, maybe a little, but Roxas brought up a lot of mixed emotions from me. And now I would have someone here to be a constant reminder.

"Heh, maybe we were separated at birth," he tried to joke, and I forced a smile. Could you imagine? If Ven and I had really been separated at birth, and me and Roxas' twisted relationship really wasn't as twisted as I thought. He looked over at the mirror at the two of us and nodded his head. "Yeah, I guess we do kind of look alike huh."

"What'd you say your name was again?"

He laughed. "It's Ven. And you're Sora, right?" I nodded. "Your first semester here, right?" He asked, and I nodded dumbly, still staring at him like he had an extra head or something.

"Yeah, I came from Twilight Town."

"I'm from Atlantica. City of many, many bodies of water," he laughed again, but I didn't. Instead I pulled out my phone and immediately went to text Roxas.

_My roommate looks EXACTLY like u i'm serioulsy freaking out._

Another awkward silence passed between us and finally Ven said, "I don't know anyone here. So here's hoping we become great friends." Again, he smiled, and I wondered if I could ever take a friendship with Ven lightly. A constant reminder of Roxas was not something I wanted, but then again, maybe it really was.

.oOo.

Next day and it was time for me to meet Riku and Zexion for lunch. Only difference? Ven was with me this time. I didn't ask him to tag along, but I could relate with the feeling of being alone at a big school, so when he asked to tag along I couldn't say no. I was lucky enough to know friends from back home, so I guess introducing him was the least I could do. I sort of wanted to show them Ven anyways. What were the odds that I'd get a new roommate that looked exactly like my brother?

Roxas hadn't believed me. He said I was just missing him too much. I thought of sneaking a picture at Ven just to show Roxas I wasn't being wishful, but decided that might be creepy. Instead I insisted that this guy was our missing triplet, and that I was still, even the next day, seriously freaking out over it.

"Those your friends?" Ven asked, smiling, always smiling, as he looked to the table where Riku waved me down. When he caught sight of Ven, his face dropped, and he looked at me with raised brows and a confused look on his face.

"Yeah," I said as I led a path through the busy commons room over to their table.

"Roxas?" Riku asked, looking at Ven with that same strange look, and Ven laughed.

"No, I'm Ventus, but I go by Ven. Guess I really do look like him."

"Yeah, no kidding," Riku said, looking at me with an amused expression and I shrugged back at him.

"He's my roommate..." I said, and Zexion snorted.

"Words escape me." He said. 

"This is Riku and Zexion." I gestured to each one respectively. "Friends from high school."

"Nice to meet you. It must be nice knowing people from back home. It's just me here." We both sat down and I couldn't help but feel slightly awkward having a Roxas look-a-like sitting right beside me. It was high school all over again. That same nostalgia hit me like a fist that bruised me in the worst way because this really wasn't Roxas sitting beside me and this definitely wasn't high school.

"You sure do look just like him," Zexion said as he leaned in closer for inspection, and Ven just laughed it off, hiding the discomfort I was sure he was feeling.

"Got a picture I can see?" Ven asked me, and I nodded, pulling out my phone and going through my pictures. It wasn't long before I saw one. Most of my recent ones were of the campus, pictures I sent to Roxas, but everything else was Roxas. Roxas and me, Roxas by himself, as kids, or as recently as a few months ago. I showed Roxas and he squinted. "Hmm, yeah, I guess I see the similarity."

"You never told me you had a missing twin," Riku joked and I rolled my eyes.

"Yeah, yeah, already been said." I laughed and put my phone away, and sat there with the most awkward feeling hanging over me. I tried not to stare at Ven, but I couldn't help but steal a glance every couple of seconds because I couldn't believe this was really happening.

"Well, now you won't be moping around anymore. You got your very own collage-Roxas."

"Riku," I whined, "that's mean. Don't worry; we aren't going to call you that. We're just getting over the initial Roxas-ness. You'll be just Ven soon."

Ven laughed again and shook his head, "Don't worry, I get it." He was nice. And even when I tried not to like him—it would just be too messy—I couldn't help it. It was rare I didn't like someone, and Ven was too incredibly nice to dislike.

And so we sat there and ate our lunch and we all got to know Ven, and he got to know us. We talked about our old high schools, our lives and our friends. We talked about our major and our classes, and I was just glad Roxas wasn't mentioned again. I wondered if Riku and Zexion expected me to have told Ven about my relationship with Roxas, but that wasn't something I wanted to say right off the bat, if ever.

Roxas and I were just brothers now anyways. Why bring it up? Besides, Roxas and I were just brothers now, anyways. He had made that pretty clear. But how much harder was it going to be trying to do that with Ven around?

"Thanks for introducing me to your friends," Ven said, grinning.

"Hey you know, there's a dorm party tomorrow night. Are you all down?" Riku asked. I wasn't surprised that Riku was in Hallow Bastion's inner circle. Only a week in and he already knew about all the great parties and events, but Riku wasn't the type to be background noise anyway.

"Sure," Zexion said, having opened up more to the party scene, most likely because of Demyx.

I wasn't really one for parties, but when I heard Ven agree with this light and excitement in his eyes, I knew I had to. So reluctantly, I did.

.oOo.

College parties, huh? They sure were…different. Arrival time was around 11 and it was only an hour in and there were girls taking their tops off and making out, guys shouting as they chugged red cups of alcohol, and loud, vibrating music.

Riku was there trying to make me join in the fun, but I was a bit apprehensive. More so than Ven anyway.

It was all of us standing around a table with full shot glasses and liquor in front of us.

When in Rome, right? I lifted the shot glass and looked to all my friends, Ven newly included, with their shot glasses ready, and with a cheer for Hallow Bastion, we drank. And the alcohol went down my throat with a sickening sting that made me gag. I tried to stifle it, but Riku just patted me on the back and wrapped his arm around my neck, pulling me in close.

"That's more like it! Round two!" And everyone cheered and another round of shot glasses were poured, and I wondered what I had gotten myself into.

.oOo.

"Having fun?" Riku asked me, Zexion and Ven as he barged towards us, having disappeared for a while. His face was red from the alcohol, and I was sure mine was the same. I giggled and nodded, wrapping my arm around his side.

"This is the best dorm party I've ever been to."

"Like you've been to so many," Zexion said. Zexion was probably the one who seemed the most sober, even though he had drunk just as much as us. Me and Ven were the loud, happy drunks of the group. Well, now that I thought of it, he was a happy sober too. Either way, Ven was fun. I liked the guy.

"Don't pick on Sora. He's just having his first real party experience. Aww, Sora," Riku ruffled my hair and put me in a headlock, to which I laughed, hard. Alcohol sure did make me giggly. "Come on, look at him, isn't he cute?" He kissed my temple and laughed before letting me go, and I rubbed the back of my neck with a smile. I wondered if Riku still liked me. Did it even matter?

Ven added, "I didn't want to say anything. You're real cute, Sora," he grinned embarrassedly and giggled to himself. "Sorry, sorry. Don't think I'm a weirdo or anything, I mean, who wants to get hit on by the guy who looks like their brother?"

"I know a thing or two about weird," I said as I turned my head away, my cheeks burning up. Did he really think I was cute? And if he did so what? Ven was just Ven. I barely knew him. And even though we were more alike than we had previously thought, and he had a smile that lit up the room—no, it didn't matter. Ven was just Ven.

"I think I want another shot," Zexion said as he stood up and began to head towards the kitchen, stumbling and nearly falling, but catching himself and continuing like it never happened. I looked at Ven, who was smiling at me with these half-lidded dazed puppy dog eyes and nodded his head towards the kitchen. I grabbed his hand and led him to the abyss.

I knew I was in for a hell of a night as I took that last shot.

.oOo.

It was 3 in the morning, and I wasn't sure how I had managed to stay awake this long without passing out. We knew the party was over when the majority of the floor was covered with bodies, and Ven and I took that as our cue to drunkenly stumble to our dorm room. The whole time, all I could think bitterly about Roxas.

I had texted him but had received no reply. Not to any of my texts. I think I sent a total of 4 before I gave up, and proceeded to endure the rest of the party with a sulking look on my face.

And now, as we headed to the dorm, I was just trying to keep from puking.

"That was fun," Ven said with a laugh as we unlocked the door and stumbled inside. I closed the door behind him, locked it, and leaned against it. The room was spinning. Or was it me? "You didn't look like you were having too much fun towards the end. Is something wrong?" He asked, and my mind was preoccupied with memories of Roxas and I stumbling drunk inside our living room, kissing drunk against the door as we felt each other up.

I swear the room was spinning, but Ven was centered, balanced, and for a moment I swear I thought he was Roxas. He looked so much like Roxas. Sometimes I could barely stand it.

"Gosh, this is so awkwaaaaard," I said, dragging out the word as I ran my hand over my face and sighed.

Ven frowned. "I'm sorry. Did I say something?"

"No, no it's just like Roxas is there and your here and it shouldn't be you I'm with it should be Roxas, ya know?" I didn't realize how mean it sounded until I looked at Ven's face and I think I saw what a sad Ven looked like for the first time. It sucked. It was like a puppy that was afraid of being beat, so the poor thing would lower his head in fear.

"Sorry, sorry," I said, swallowing the thick lump in my throat as I grabbed my head. God, being drunk wasn't fun. "It's just...what would you do if your new roommate looked exactly like your ex? I mean I'm just freaking out still, okay?"

I didn't even realize what I had said until Ven asked, "Ex? I thought I looked like your brother?"

Crap. Could I play it off as me being drunk? I mean I was drunk, so maybe he'd just think I was too drunk to think properly. Or hopefully he'd be too drunk to even remember.

"I mean...did I say ex?" I laughed and tried to walk forward but stumbled, and Ven reached forward to catch me, our faces close, and for a moment I had the strangest urge to kiss him. I didn't of course. I didn't think I was that wasted. "I-I meant...dammit." I just wanted to be honest, and it was probably the alcohol. "Okay look, Roxas is my brother. And Roxas was my ex."

"I...what?" Ven asked, blinking with that dazed and confused look on his face. Now I knew why people said I was cute when I was confused. Ven wore it well. He was so cute. Focus, Sora, focus on not spilling your heart, or your food, out in the open.

"I feel sick," I said as I felt my mouth grew thick with saliva, and I had a feeling I couldn't keep my contents inside anymore.

"You dated your brother?" He persisted, and I pushed away from him and ran towards the bathroom, hovering over the toilet. The smell of the bathroom was nearly enough to send me over the edge, but I tried to hold it in. I tried to calm my spinning head and queasy stomach.

A minute later and Ven came in with a cup of cold water that I drank greedily. He also handed me a piece of bread that I ate in small bites. Finally, I said it. "Yeah, I...dated my brother. Told you I knew a thing or two about weird."

"It's...strange, yah. But, it's your business. I don't know you very well so who am I to judge?"

I finally felt my stomach begin to settle thanks to the bread and I turned to him. "Really? You don't think I'm some sort of freak?" Maybe I had been wrong about people. Sure, strangers had picked on me and Roxas when they found out, but our friends were there to stand by our side even after. I hadn't given my friends enough credit back then.

"No. It's just a weird circumstance. Plus, I look like him and everything; it must be kind of weird."

I laughed. "Don't worry, I'm not going to try and sleep with you just because you look like Roxas."

He looked down, smiling shyly, his face turning red. "Well, any other reason and maybe..."

I laughed and leaned against the bathroom wall, took another sip of my water. "So, you think I'm cute, huh?"

He laughed, pushed on my shoulder gently. "You must think I'm cute too, right?"

I burped and covered my mouth with my hand. Suave Sora. Very suave. "Maybe."

"Knew it. You're so transparent." Talking with Ven was so natural, we could joke with each other—was this flirting?—and it came as a refreshing sense of my friends from Destiny Islands. Tidus and Rikku. Ven reminded me of them too. There was something about Ven, between his Tidus-like casual smiles and his Roxas' looks and Rikku's laugh. He was the perfect blend of home.

"Want to know why I like you so much?" I said, and hiccupped. "You remind me of old times. Back at home with all my friends. I was severely lacking someone like that here at Hallow Bastion. It's full of snobby-looking rich kids. Like Riku," I laughed and he did too, and I was curious as to how Vent had been such a perfect medicine for motion sickness.

Ven opened his mouth to say something, but didn't. Instead he leaned forward and touched my cheek with his hand. "Go home, Sora. You're drunk."

"Carry me to the bed?" I asked, holding my hands out like a child who wanted to be picked up and he laughed, stood up and pulled me up alongside him. He was the same size as me so I knew it'd be a struggle as he picked me up bridal-style and with wobbly knees, carried me to my bed where he collapsed beside me.

I lay there, kicked off my shoes with a bit of a struggle, and buried my face in the blankets. My mouth was smashed against the comforter, but I was too comfortable to care. "Hey, Ven?" I said, my words coming out muffled but I grinned when I heard his voice come back the same, and when I peeked I saw him lying the same way I was.

"Yeah?"

"Sleep with me tonight. Like in my bed," I added, not wanting him to think I was asking him to actually have sex with me. Though that was a thought...a drunken, stupid, thought, I tried to remind myself.

"Sora, you couldn't make me get up even if you tried."

And for the first time in forever, I finally slept with someone else beside me, snuggled up against me the way Roxas used to. And Ven was probably the best person to fill the empty Roxas-sized space in my arms, head against my chest as we fell asleep together.

.oOo.

It was a couple of weeks since the dorm party, and my phone buzzed in my pocket. I smiled to myself, half-expecting it to be Ven telling me he was on his way back to the room. But I was kind of surprised to see it was Roxas asking for another Skype call.

Roxas had still been ignoring some of my texts, but what was stranger, was that I hadn't been texting him quite as much anymore either. It wasn't on purpose, and actually, I hadn't realized it until I scrolled up and saw how little we had talked over the past week.

I texted back for him to log in and call me, and I put my books away and grabbed my laptop from the dresser. Opened it, opened Skype, and waited.

Incoming call from Roxas.

I smiled and accepted it.

"Hey," he said immediately with a smile of his own and I greeted him. "What's up? It's been a while."

"School's getting busy," I said with a shrug. Seeing Roxas gave me butterflies, but he always had had a way of doing that to me. I wondered if he felt the same, but after our last Skype conversation, I wasn't about to ask. "I was studying right now."

"Oh, sorry. I won't keep you long. Just," he took in a deep breath and let it out with his next words, "missed your face."

"We have the same face," I joked.

Laughing he said, "Your voice then?"

"Fine, alright," I felt my cheeks grow hot. This was nice, but confusing. He didn't know a lot of what was going on with me. I hadn't told him about getting drunk at the dorm party, or the fact that I had been flirting with his look-a-like. I didn't mention Ven to Roxas anyways. It just didn't feel right. What was I going to say? 'I'm having a lot of fun with that guy, you know, the one who looks just like you? The one who's been...well, kind of taking your place.'

It wasn't like I meant for Ven to distract me away from Roxas, but, somehow, it happened. I found myself anxious to text Ven, not my brother. And of course I still thought about Roxas every day, but it wasn't those unhealthy, consuming thoughts like they had been.

Was it wrong of me? I wasn't sure, because wasn't space what Roxas wanted anyway?

"Having fun over there?" He asked, and I saw him look around behind me, at my room, my bed.

"Looking for something?"

"Is our triplet there?" He laughed. "I want to see if he really does look like me or if you just miss me too much."

I rolled my eyes, playfully, and shook my head. "He's not here. And I do miss you, but not in a weird way. I've been having fun here. I guess maybe I'm getting used to college."

"Oh." He sounded kind of sad, but he didn't show it, and if I weren't his brother, I probably wouldn't have caught on. It was all in his tone and that small hint of a frown in his eyes. They were always so expressive. His eyes smiled or frowned more than his mouth really did. "I'm glad. I guess that's why you haven't been texting me that often."

"Well, isn't that what you wanted?" I asked, raising a brow.

"Yeah. I mean, I guess. Grammy misses you. She always asks how you're doing and I...never know what to say."

"Oh. Tell Grammy I said hi. And that I'm doing fine."

"Okay."

I didn't know what to say. And Roxas didn't either, but he looked like he was thinking. Brows knitted, eyes down with his mouth in the position that it looked like words were just ready to spill out once he formulated exactly what he wanted to say.

Before I could ask him what was on his mind—though I wasn't sure if I wanted to know—I heard the door swing open and Ven's cheerful greeting.

"Oh, sorry Roxas, I got to go. Ven just came back. I'll talk to you later." I went to close out of the call, despite Roxas' objections to let him meet Ven. "Text me." I said and smiled before closing the call out and turning to Ven. I didn't miss the last shot of Roxas' face though, and how mad he had looked, but as I turned to Ven it didn't really seem to matter. At least Ven was smiling.

"What's up?" He asked as he walked over to me and pushed on my chair, spinning it, and I laughed before getting off and reaching forward for a hug. He embraced me, and I swore I smelled Roxas' shampoo fragrant in his hair. But it was just my imagination from having just saw Roxas.

"Nothing, just studying."

"I wish all studying involved playing around on the computer."

"Well, I took a tiny break. My brother wanted to video chat."

"Aw, you should have let me meet the notorious Roxas."

"Maybe some other time." Ven let go off me and I had grown so used to that casual, carefree smile that was so absent from Roxas' face half the time. The comparisons didn't stop-how could they when they looked so alike?-but they felt less like longing.

"Since its Friday, I thought we could-" He paused and reached into his backpack before pulling out a bottle of alcohol. Vodka, and I laughed. That night at the party probably gave Ven the impression I was a big drinker, "relax after a long week of school."

"I'm not a huge fan of drinking. Last weekend was the only time I've ever gotten that drunk."

"I'm not asking you to get drunk. Just a couple drinks? Come on."

I shrugged my shoulders and pulled a cup of water off the desk and chugged what was left in it. I held it out. "How can I say no?"

But maybe I should have. I really, really should have.

.oOo.

"Drunk Sora is a fun Sora," Ven said with long string of giggles as he poured me another cup of juice and vodka. It wasn't good, but it was easy to give in to Ven's cheerful prods of 'more, more.'

"Oh so you have a problem with sober Sora?" I joked back and took another swig of my drink. It still stung, and I still grimaced, but I was having fun. The two of us sat against the wall on Ven's bed, phones discarded a while ago, and every now and then I swear I heard its faint humming. But I ignored it to not be rude to my company.

"No, I didn't mean that. Sora's fun 'round the clock."

"I'm not even drunk. And you know this isn't a once-a-week thing. I rarely drink, and I want to keep it that way."

"Sorry, didn't mean to distract you from your studies. I'll try not to be so fun." He held the red cup by his lips and laughed before taking another drink and licking his lips. And I tried not to stare at his mouth when he did it. I didn't know what I was doing, staring at Ven like that. But I mean could I blame myself? He looked like Roxas. And Roxas was so handsome. Roxas was who I loved. And for now, Ven was nice to look at, nice to spend time with. A college-Roxas.

He leaned forward and pinched my cheek, sticking his tongue out again. "You get so red when you drink. Is it that Asian glow?"

"Heh, maybe." I slapped his hand away. I had a lot of weird thoughts in my head when I looked at Ven. Half of me only could think of Roxas, while the other half would see Ven and I'd get a variation of those butterflies that Roxas usually gave me. I was kind of confused, but so much more than that; I was anxiously wanting a little piece of Ven. Selfishly, maybe.

"Growing up's weird, huh?" I asked Ven as I collapsed against him, my head resting on his shoulder. "It's like…you're just supposed to forget about everything you've been used to, disregard it like it was nothing…"

"Not like it was nothing," Ven said as he rested his cheek against mine. "Just make way for other things in your life. Stuff that's just as important, if not more." He cleared his throat. "I-I'm not saying I'm more important than your brother o-or anything."

"Wait, we're talking about Roxas?" I giggled and pulled away, looking at Ven's flustered expression. He scratched his cheek again in shyness.

"I thought that's what you meant. Like leaving Roxas behind."

"Well, yes and no. Of course him, but I mean…hanging out in my old friend's garage listening to them playing music, skateboarding down steep hills, eating ice cream at the park…am I supposed to forget about all that stuff now that I'm in college? Like toys I have to put away?"

"Who told you college can't be fun?" Ven asked with a confused frown. "I still brought some of my hot wheels. I think its okay to grow up and still have bits of your childhood there to remind you of who you are, and where you came from." He poked me in the chest and cupped my chin with a smile. "You can still play with teddy bears, so long as you do your homework," he teased.

"Do you want to be my new teddy bear?" I asked, no longer joking or teasing. It was a serious question. Was he trying to replace Roxas in my life, just like I was doing for myself? "You want to replace my brother?"

"Not replace…" Ven said as he looked away for a moment. "I never said that. Just…I'm sure there's room for me, right?" He glanced back up at me and I smiled. Before I had met Ven, I was certain there would be no more room for anyone else. But something about Ven captured me. And I knew deep down it was in part because of the resemblance. It was the warmth I got whenever we were together because I had Roxas in here in a way. Always.

"Yeah, of course."

What was going on? Had I just managed to form a relationship without even knowing it?

"But wait," Ven said as he held up his hand. "I don't want to be just a replacement. I mean, wait, maybe I should start over." He sucked in a deep breath. "Do you even like me?"

I blushed and rubbed the back of my head. I guess I really did. "Yeah, Ven. Being around you makes me happy."

"But do you like me for me. I know I look like Roxas and everything, but it seems like you two had a rocky ending. I don't want you to carry that baggage around if you and me—"

"It won't be like that, Ven. You and Roxas are really different. And you know I don't think of you as a brother, but a friend. A stranger without all that baggage Roxas and me carried. A stranger I want to get to know more." And it was the truth. That was what drew me the most to Ven. He looked like Roxas but he didn't carry all that weight with him. When I looked at him, it was Roxas. But when I talked with him…it was so carelessly, effortlessly Ven. And I liked that the most about him.

"Wow. I like that. Well, as long as I'm not just your college-Roxas, then maybe we could..." He took a deep breath and leaned in closer, his eyes dropped, half-lidded. "Don't think I'm weird, okay?" He said, and I sucked in a harsh breath, nervous and so entirely anxious as I looked at his pale, blue eyes and honey hair.

I didn't even give him the chance because I already went for it. I pressed my lips to his roughly and placed my hand at the back of his neck. He kissed me back just as fiercely and pressed me back against the bed. His hand wove its way up my shirt, cool against my heated skin. His tongue pressed against my lips and I opened my mouth, deepening the kiss.

His hips were pressed against mine at an awkward angle so that my erection was pressed up against my stomach, and I was sure he could feel it, since I could feel his too. And the heat of the alcohol mixed with the heat of his lips on mine was a welcoming feeling. I was lost, completely. With only bits and bursts of memories of Roxas that only came when I ran my hands through Ven's hair and it was so much like Roxas'.

Roxas. Oh, I remember the last time we kissed. When we fucked in his empty room in the middle of the afternoon. A last goodbye, intimate and so bittersweet. Without realizing it, I moaned against Ven's mouth, and he giggled, and I pulled away for a second to catch my breath, opened my eyes to look at Ven's face. So much like Roxas.

I kissed him again like it was the last time. Like I was in those moments of ecstasy that mingled with my desperation for Roxas to just stay. I kissed him needy and buried my hand down his pants to feel the firmness of his erection, and Roxas gasped, pulling away, and when I opened my eyes and looked at him again…it was Ven.

"I'm sorry," I said, pulling my hand away quickly and wiping at my mouth. What was I doing? We barely started making out and I was already trying to jerk him off. But...it just felt so familiar. Like we'd done this a thousand times. Not me and Ven, but me and Roxas. And that was probably the issue.

"It's okay." He swallowed and let out a harsh breath. "That was...hot," he laughed and sat up and I fixed my shirt, smiling at him. This was Ven, I repeated it again and again. Ven. Ven. Ven. I had kissed Ven, not Roxas. And somehow, I think that was still okay.

.oOo.

It had been a few days since Ven and I kissed. No one knew. Not Riku, not Zexion, and especially not Roxas. How would I even go about telling Roxas something like that? It would feel like a betrayal. And if Riku knew? I could just imagine his reaction. "Oh geez, why am I not surprised?" I mean, how bad would it look if Ven and I came strolling through the commons room holding hands. Of course he'd think it was my way of holding onto Roxas, but I still wanted to think it was more than that.

And I wondered what Ven thought about the whole thing? We hadn't talked about it yet, but there was something that was there in the back of my mind.

"Okay, I'm going to go pick up sandwiches and I'll be right back," Ven said as he tucked his wallet into his back pocket. I looked at his wrist. The cute black and white wristband he wore reminded me a lot of Roxas' checkered one.

"Hey, uhm, can we talk really fast." I said as I grabbed his hand and gave him a serious look.

"What is it?" His brows furrowed, and suddenly he looked worried.

"I just…I wanted to let you know…I don't think we should be public. Not yet."

His face fell, and suddenly I felt like I had aid the wrong thing.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I just…wouldn't it be a little weird if my friends saw us and we were—"

"No yeah, I get it," Ven said, and though he tried to pretend he was okay with what I was getting at, I could tell by his expression he wasn't. "It'd be weird, right?" He didn't say anything more, just stared down at the floor and kind of pulled his arm away from me in a way that didn't seem purposefully angry. "Okay, well," he started as he looked back up with eyes bright like nothing was wrong. Ven frustrated me. Where Roxas would at least admit he was pissed, Ven liked to hide it with that smile of his. "I'll be back."

He didn't look back at me as he turned and headed straight for the door and almost as if some sort of divine plan, my phone buzzed at that same moment. A buzz followed by another, indicating a phone call.

I pulled it out and saw Roxas' name and picture, and though right now wasn't a very good time, I answered the call anyway. It'd been too long anyway.

"Wow you answered," he said, and I could hear a hint of bitterness. "I thought you were so busy you forgot about me." A fake laugh.

"S-sorry, Roxas," I said as I slumped down onto my bed and sighed. "I've just been really busy. Now's kind of a bad time."

"Oh…should I let you go?"

"It's okay," I said, having not realized how badly I wanted to talk to him until I heard his voice again. "I want to talk."

"Good. It seems like you never do anymore. Are you trying to play hard to get? Cuz it's working." He laughed again and I was annoyed. Suddenly Roxas was aching to get a hold of me? After everything he had told me about space and not wanting to give us a chance. Because, coldly, he had told me he hadn't been sure if the feelings had been real.

"Stop it Roxas. What are you doing?"

"I'm just kidding with you, Sora. Geez." Kidding was never just kidding with Roxas.

"You're the one who said we needed to move on. And now you're getting mad at me for doing exactly that?" I asked, unable to hide how angry I was on my phone.

Roxas scoffed on the other line and I could just picture him rolling his eyes. "Oh, so you've moved on so fast, huh?"

I breathed deeply. Maybe I said it because I was bitter at Roxas. Maybe it was because I wanted him to hurt and I was still selfish and childish and unable to move on. "I started seeing someone." It was fast and it was messy but I knew it got the message across when the other line went silent.

"Is it Riku?" Roxas asked after a silent pause.

"It's Ven."

And unexpectedly, laughter. "What? You've got to be kidding? Your roommate who looks exactly like me? Oh Sora…that's sad."

"What?" My cheeks burned. That wasn't what I expected Roxas to say or do. My brother was still as unpredictable as ever and it pissed me off like no other. I think Roxas was the only one who could really ignite such emotions. "That's not why I'm dating him or anything."

"I'm flattered and everything, but isn't that kind of mean, Sora? I mean, you're just using him. By the way, does he know why you like him so much?"

"I'm not!" I glared at nothing in particular. "And yeah, he does know about you. He knows we dated before and it doesn't bother him."

"Wow. And I thought our relationship was twisted."

"You're the one who fucked it up you know," I said, but regretted it as soon as I said it. I didn't want to talk about our relationship anymore. It made me weary. Made me run thin. "You didn't have to leave."

"You know why I did okay? It was for the best." He sighed heavily and I swear I could feel him right there, breathing against my ear. Like he was here with me again.

"Then why am I still hurting so much?" I asked so quietly because it was hard, harsh truth and I didn't realize how badly I was hurting until now. I thought I was getting over it. Delusional.

"Because...I don't know. You're torturing yourself by dating a guy who reminds you of me. Stop doing this to yourself. It's unhealthy, and it's not the way to move on."

"Stop it. You don't know anything. Ven's different than you. He's funny and sweet and I like him, okay?" My voice was raised, almost as if my words were a desperate plea to Roxas to let him know I was okay. I wasn't some cruel, twisted person who was bitterly holding onto lost love.

Roxas laughed bitterly. "Well I'm happy for you. Hope you two have tons of fun. But our relationship didn't work, what makes you think it'll be different with him? He's not me, he doesn't have our history."

"Yeah, that's exactly why it will work. He's not you."

Another silent pause and I had to check that Roxas hadn't hung up on me. But he hadn't and the call was already going on 10 minutes.

"Whatever. This is stupid. We're not together; we're not even in the same state so why do I care? Do whatever you want to do. You're moving on so I guess I should try to."

"I thought you already had. You sure played the part." And all I could think of was how stupid this was that we were fighting. Every time we talked something was wrong. Everything was different. Changing. Roxas hardly felt like he used to anymore. When had Roxas been so cold?

"Well you know it's hard when I have to hear your voice and see your face and...You know I just think it'd be best if we don't talk." And I was the one who grew silent. My eyes widened and my heart fell and I didn't want any of this to happen. "Not until I can find my own Sora down here and can forget about you."

"Don't be like this," I said, clutching the phone like if I held on tightly enough maybe Roxas wouldn't leave me.

"I'm not being like anything." God, Roxas sounded so cold. So full of anger that I wasn't used to hearing, at least not towards the end. "I'm just trying to do what's best for me. You have your replacement there so you don't need me."

"Roxas…" I said. It was the only thing I could say because even if Roxas was being unreasonable I still didn't to lose him. Losing him would be even worse since we were so far away. I couldn't just walk into his room and hug him and tell him I was sorry.

"Don't bother calling me. Just have fun. I hope your new boyfriend makes you forget all about what we had." And that was it. Roxas hung up.

I took the hot phone from my ear, my knuckles white from holding so tightly, and I pressed re-dial. Immediately my phone went to the answering machine. I tried again, two more times, but nothing. And with a defeated sigh I threw the phone down onto the bed. "Dammit!" I bunched my knees to my chest and was about to break down when the door opened and I looked up quickly, tried to replace my anger with a calm that was hard to grasp for.

"Ven." As soon as he saw me he looked worried and he rushed over to me, set the bag of food down, and wrapped his arms around me comfortingly.

"What happened?"

When I looked at him, I thought back to what Roxas said. Obviously telling Roxas had been a bad idea. Maybe dating Ven was a bad idea. Roxas could be right that I was twisted. What was I hoping to get out of it anyway? Ven sure as hell didn't make me forget Roxas. The opposite in fact. But I think that was what I wanted. I wanted Roxas, and the closest I get to him was through Ven.

"I told Roxas..."

"Oh...oh wow...I thought you weren't going to tell him for a while."

"I couldn't help it. It just came up." But I had a feeling it had all been to hurt Roxas. To make him jealous, to make him miss me. Had it been worth it? I didn't think so. And I thought about telling Ven I had made a mistake kissing him, dating him, but he wrapped his arms around me and I smelled his cologne and ran my fingers through his honey-blond hair and collapsed. It all disappeared and was replaced with that feeling of love and comfort Ven gave me. The exact opposite of what I had been feeling with Roxas.

I smiled when Ven held me. I mean, it felt nice to be cared for. And when he pulled away and I looked at his face...I saw Roxas smiling at me. Happy again like a picture of him in those few months we shared together. And I couldn't help it. I kissed Ven, hard, clutched his face with my hands and didn't want to let him go. He kissed back, hesitant at first until I relaxed him with a flick of my tongue.

I sucked on his lower lip, coaxed his tongue with mine, kissed him with all the pent up anger and passion and want I had for Roxas. And Ven tasted so sweet and the smell of his hair brought back memories of Roxas' vanilla shampoo and the first time he made love to me after that guy had beat him up and brought the reality of our relationship to a head. That was when everything started to go bad.

At the time I had wondered why he chose that night to fuck me... after such a horrible night...but it was that sadness that just made you want to be closer to someone. That love you were missing, that you felt you didn't deserve.

And maybe Roxas had chosen that night that he was going to leave me in the end. Maybe that's why when we fucked it felt almost...final.

And I guess I understood the need to express yourself physically when you were sad. Maybe that's why I was doing what I was doing now. I wanted to be close to Roxas...and my nearest outlet just happened to be Ven.

I understood that it was wrong, at least partially, but that didn't stop me from pushing Ven back on the bed and burying my face into his neck as I left hot, wet kisses along the column. He arched his neck and groaned, softly. Oh, his voice. Ven's voice was like Roxas' too. But with the hint of youth mingled there. And so when Ven groaned, it was Roxas in my ear. A soft sigh that could replace all the cruel words Roxas had said previous. It could make me forget.

I pulled away and rushed to pull his shirt over his head. And I looked down at Ven, his face, those eyes, lighter blue like Roxas. I let my hands run through his honey hair. And I leaned back down to kiss his chest, let my tongue run over his soft skin. My hands wandered, running up his sides and half expecting him to giggle like Roxas' used to because he was ticklish there. I let my tongue run over the nub of his nipple, my lips lowering to his stomach that moved in and out as he panted.

I was so hard, uncomfortably stiff against the zipper of my jeans and I rushed to unbutton them, unzip them and lower them to my knees.

Ven breathed my name and I nearly lost it. I looked at him, looked into his lust-lidded eyes. "God, you're so sexy," I breathed and kissed him roughly again.

He reached for the back of my shirt to pull it off and we parted so that it could be lifted off. But my lips found his again as I kissed him fervently, and bucked my hips down against his. He gasped, and I moaned against his lips when he pushed back.

"I really want this." I whispered against his mouth and pulled back to look at him again. I had to look at him. Every time I did I saw Roxas and it was dizzying. And to be honest, I think at that moment I really began to blur the line between Ven and Roxas, more than I ever had.

And my lips were desperate, as if I could kiss him and Roxas would forgive me for all the hurt. As if I could apologize with my hands as they ran down his stomach to bury into his pants. He unbuttoned his pants and I pulled them away, and did the same to his underwear. I didn't even notice how Ven grew so shy, his cheeks burning red, because I was so used to having already explored Roxas. I felt like I already knew him. Like this was just another blissful moment that never lasted long enough.

His cock sprang and I bit my lip, let my hand slide over the weeping tip and I shuddered. "Fuck...I want you so bad. I always have." I said, no longer talking to Ven. No, I was talking to Roxas. And I wasn't shy in the way I closed my mouth over his cock. He moaned loudly as my heat enveloped him.

He tasted so sweet and I sucked him off like I had done so many times before. I reached above and buried my fingers into his hair, moaned and sent vibrations over his cock. He bucked helplessly against my mouth and my other hand reached down so I could touch myself. My cock was already so wet, dripping in dizzying desire for these moments I missed so much.

I wanted to be inside Roxas and I pulled my lips away with a satisfying pop. I pulled down my boxers and flipped him around. It was thrilling, as I hadn't fucked Roxas before. I hadn't fucked a guy since I was younger, fucking Tidus with a naïve thrill of pleasure and pain.

He breathed hard and I looked up, licked my lips when I saw his eyes looking up at me. All I saw was blue, and dark lashes and the freckles dusted across his nose and his bangs that stuck to his sweat-beaded forehead. He said my name again and I shuddered.

I didn't think about a condom, only wanting to feel myself buried deep within Roxas so we could forget all the fighting and the pain of a broken relationship. I wanted him to remember me for all the good moments we had.

"God..." I breathed again, feeling my heart pounding wildly, a crazy mix of emotions that shook me as I pushed a finger inside him, and he breathed my name again. Another finger in, and he was moaning, moaning my name, and I couldn't take it anymore. I missed him so much. I had to have him again.

"Please," he begged, and I swear it was just me and Roxas here. And then I said it...and only then did I realize how fucked I really was.

"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I want you," and I felt tears prick at my eyes as I took my fingers out and positioned myself over him. "Only you." And I didn't see the confusion in Ven's eyes because I was so consumed and lost in Roxas. And I said, to Ven, "Fuck, Roxas, I missed this."

And I didn't even realize what I said until Ven turned around, and pushed me away and I finally snapped out of the lust-filled daze I was in and looked up and saw Ven. Not Roxas. But Ven who looked so hurt, so sad and angry and I felt everything break away. And I pulled away and put my pants on hastily as Ven, with a look of shame, did the same.

"I'm so sorry, Ven," I said, but it sounded so weak. Sorry meant nothing. Ven knew everything know with that one sentence. How I thought of Roxas every time Ven was near, and how Roxas had been right. I had been using Ven, and I had known it...and yet I was too desperate for Roxas to care. "I didn't mean it."

"Ya I know. You didn't mean it when you said you were in it for me. I really thought this could work," he said as he pulled on his shirt, and I just sat there dumbly, not knowing what to do or say.

"No," I tried, but the words didn't sound convincing. "I'm just...confused."

"I didn't mean to confuse you," He said as he narrowed his eyes at me. And it hurt so bad to see Ven angry at me for what I had done. What an asshole I had been. "This isn't going to work though. I can tell you have a lot of baggage. But Sora, I'm more than just your sad, sad memories." He said, and that was the very last thing he said before he walked out of the room.

.oOo.

God, what a shit show that had been. And for what seemed like the first time in forever, underneath the sanctuary of tons and tons of blankets, I allowed myself the satisfaction of crying.

And it worked to drown out most things; like the papers that piled up for school, and the white silence of my phone, but it couldn't drown out the sound of Ven packing up his items and moving out of my dorm room that day.

"I'm sorry if I hurt you, Sora," he had said, as I stayed face-pressed into my pillow. It hurt too much to look at him when he looked like the two people I had lost in one day. "But I think leaving is better for you. It'll give you time to think. I'll miss you. I just hope you find what you're looking for."

And I heard the creak of the door close, and it was that moment I ripped the blankets away and sat up, looked for him as if maybe he wasn't on the other side of that door.

But I had always been naïve.

.oOo.

It was that familiar sound of a Skype call. And I stared at my computer screen with shaking fingers and a hammering heart.

I wasn't sure why Roxas had reached out to me, especially with the way our last conversation ended, but I couldn't deny that there was a lot on my mind that needed to be addressed, and even if I was nervous to see him that was dull in comparison to how badly I did want to see him.

Call connected.

I heard his voice before I saw him, and I guess it made the transition easier when I finally did see him. My heart was already hitching, my hands already growing clammy. I didn't know what to do. Smile or not.

I didn't.

"Hey Sora," he said, that sad smile of his. I didn't really say anything back, and I was sure I looked miserable, slumped over with this glum look on my face that I never wore. I wondered if he could see the red-ring of my eyes. I was tired of being sad. Crying in the day and catching up on homework at night.

I was lonely. So lonely. And I knew now that there was no easy fix. And maybe the fact that I wanted it so bad...meant it had to stop.

"Are you okay?" He asked and I could hear the concern in his voice. Could see it on his face. I wiped at my face when I swear I felt my eyes start to tear up and nodded.

"Yeah." Then softly. "No. I have to talk to you. Ven left."

"Oh..." Roxas's mouth curled into a bitter frown. "That's why you're upset. Should have figured." He looked away for a moment, and if I couldn't tell any better, I could have sworn his eyes were red too. Had he been crying? What for? He was the one who told me he wanted me to forget about him.

"No. I mean, I'm sad, because I screwed it up."

"How could you have screwed it up? You're perfect."

I looked up, suddenly, and I felt that warmth that...honestly...I didn't feel with Ven. Ven felt like the warmth of a new tea brand that you didn't like as much. Roxas was that flavor you kept coming back to with that satisfied smile because it was right. But that warmth was accompanied by a chill. A bitter chill. And I had to shake my head.

"I'm not. You were right, Roxas. I was just using Ven to carry around a piece of you. But I'm done being childish. I'm ready to move on." I said it firmly because I really believed in these moments I was finally going to gather back my ability to grow and change. I'd been doing a lot of thinking and now I just had to tell Roxas.

"Okay…" He looked away and frowned. "Well, good luck."

"What are we doing right now? I thought you said you didn't want to talk to me anymore."

He looked up, surprised, and though he was so far apart, it's like I could feel what he was feeling though the screen. He looked so sad. It was strong. It was a presence. "I…I just can't let you go."

He admitted it, and the way he looked at me it almost made me think I could change my mind. That I didn't have to erase everything and we would be okay. But I thought about how I hurt Ven, about how selfish I had been, and I knew there was only one thing I could do.

I knew what Roxas had been thinking that day he decided to leave me. Because I felt it too.

"I'm sorry. But I've thought a lot about things and…I really think it's for the best if we really don't have any contact for…a while."

Roxas looked stunned but forced a small laugh after a moment. "Really?"

"I'm serious," I could barely look at him because I couldn't bear to hurt him and watch his face fall. I had already seen it with Ven. And it hurt so much more with Roxas. Even through a computer screen. "Why?"

"I can't stop myself from missing you. But you have to realize how painful it is when we talk. When I see you…it's like high school all over again. You say you want to move on. I didn't think we needed it, but I know you're not coming back." I took in a deep breath, anxious and nervous to be making this step. "So I just have to move on. And I'll never be able to do that unless we stop talking. For good."

"What do you mean? Like forever?" He asked and I could hear his voice breaking and I looked up and immediately he wiped at his eyes.

"No…but a while. It'll be better for us."

"You're starting to sound like me. Is this your way of getting back at me?"

"No," I shook my head, my head dropped sadly.

"Maybe leaving was a mistake…" he said and I looked up, suddenly, and I could feel my eyes burn with tears and I shook my head, moved the mouse over the 'x' in the corner of the screen.

"You don't get to take things back like that Roxas. Bye. And please, just respect what I said and give my space, okay?" And I couldn't let him speak. I closed the screen out and shut off my laptop and turned away with tears running freely and my shoulders shaking. I did it. But it wasn't any easier.

I just thought…maybe without me, Roxas could finally start his journey. His real journey. The one where he could laugh and smile and be free and I wouldn't be there holding him back. And I had to start my own. And I didn't realize it yet, as I flipped open my phone and typed up a text, that I had to start with finding peace on my own. I couldn't place it on people to fix my sadness for me.

But I guess that was what growing up was going to teach me. And so I texted Riku and was convinced it wasn't just another way of getting back at Roxas.

But I had always been so, so naïve.


End file.
